top of page
Search

Where Is My Mind (Piano Cover): Regarding mental health and loved ones



(7/10)


I chose for my insanity the piano cover above of the song by the Pixies in Fight Club . I first heard the cover in Mr. Robot.


This version always makes me cry, even when I originally wrote the post, and even when I am now translating it.


I am no musician, but in the song I hear music that is in conflict with itself. Mostly melancholic, but with a desperate, painful optimism and grain of sadness after something lost, cut out of my own soul.


And then again there is hope and power, that in the end everything will be alright and justified.


This is the life of a schizophrenic. Or at least, this is my life.


Here, I won't talk about the specifics of schizophrenia, psychosis, paranoia, pronia, depersonalization, etc. All have been described by cold-blooded scientist who objectively try to dissect the problem.


No matter how much I describe the feeling of losing my free will, while my mind turns from the brave human spirit to that of a scared biological computer, the sadness that I cannot trust anything, not even my own senses, these stories will only resemble some two-headed doe in a museum of biological curiosities.


Note: schizophrenia is not multiple-personality disorder. If you think so, at least check out the wikipedia page of schizophrenia.


Importantly, insanity is lonely business. The individual is isolated, which is against human nature because we are social animals. To feel happy, we need to be a part of something bigger.


Fuck work, fuck money, fuck success, as long as one is healthy.


I have three humble decades behind my back. A third of them I've been dealing with this shit.


That is why, I will try to share how one and their family can tackle this problem. The solution can be found in probably the most famous book in the world, so I am not really being very original, when I say this.


Love each other.


If your psyche is falling apart, love your parents, love your brothers and sisters, love your partner. Trust them because they love you too and they want the best for you.


But loved ones, don't stop loving the ill person. Hear their ramblings, don't pay too much attention to them. Be patient with them, forgive them their mistakes. Would you say to someone with a broken arm or a cancer patient "Get over yourself?"


It's not important that you understand each other. No one can truly understand another person.


We are not pheromone-based ants, we are humans. Our brains are isolated in our skulls. They understand not only pheromones, but also feelings.


And if you love each other, in the worst case scenario, you'd have tried your best.


Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Simona. Thanks, Ivan. Thank you family and friends. You didn't quit on me. I hope you never learn the hell you picked me out of, but know that you literally saved me.


And thanks, doc. Because some things cannot be cured only with love. It's just that it is also necessary.


As well as patience, until you find the right therapy.


Now, after this sentimentality which dangerously resembles a suicide note (but is the opposite), I want say to the skeptics (which can be found in Bulgaria, for example), no one is safe from this.


I've studied genetic diseases at Uni, I've taken care of relatives with cancer, I have my own mental health problem, I have also taken part of a course on how to treat mentally ill people.


Skeptics, don't try to play it down. Don't hide the truth.


Yes, the Hippocratic Oath makes it so each patient has the right to chose if they want to be public or not. But the taboo (in Bulgaria, for instance) is so widespread that I was shocked that when I started speaking about my own problems, a lot of people came forward to ask help for a relative of theirs.


One of the things that I was taught at so many different places is that each person has the right to say their own problems. If one cannot name their problems, they can hardly be solved.


Society (or at least Bulgarian society) has a tendency to hide the uncomfortable truths.


But if trivial stuff like money and food is the only thing on our minds, we will suffer. My schizophrenic "lisan al-gaib" prediction is that our social problems won't disappear until we stop being ashamed of our loved ones.


Oh, I forgot to tie this to The Ultimate Deal. Yeah being crazy is lots of fun 'cause you never get tired and can write 700 pages. Also the reader doesn't know if you're trying to be funny or are actually insane.



Comments

bottom of page